Its weird how I'm considered to be "too healthy" for some ppl at school, because I'm inlove with stuffing myself with fruits and veggies and carby meals too! Its like eating rice, potatoes, pasta, with a bunch of fruits before that is "odd"? this industry disgusts me, tbh! But to talk frankly I have been ana and then in serious trouble as I had to binge for a long while! I cried myself every night regretting everything and waking up to a wet pillow smushed against my face! I head to the gym the next morning and exercise for hours, but fail with starving my body again, it hates the torture I gave it and its denying it! I couldn't do it anymore! I look around my classmates in recess, as they eat their awful looking chocolate bars and horrible smelling cheesy sandwiches, oh and did I mention that I have lost appetite with ALOT food (I completely started hating them!!!!). The foods I couldn't bare smelling, touching, or looking at were PB,chocolate, cheese, dairy stuff, chips, cookies, cupcakes,RICE< BREAD< PASTA< COOKED FOOD IN GENERAL!!! I used to be jealous from the girls around me, they call themselves fat and they don't know what I'm going through, they say that "they just LOVE food", made me want to vomit! I had to do something about it this, so I actually decide to eat, but after having lunch with my family I can feel the chicken, meat, yoghurt and rice pushing my stomach to the opposite direction, seemed like it didn't want to be placed in its position. I decided to "cutt down my food a little" i ate an apple in the morning LOTS AND LOTS OF WATER then cucumber for the rest of the day. For 2 weeks straight i sated alone the entire time, didn't want to discuss anything with anyone! one night I stay up for hours and hours looking up diets and "tricks". My parents and everyone around me thought i was "fine" just because i don't look boney anymore, as a matter of fact chubby (even tho some deny that). Its a mental thing, i just care SO much about what ppl think and thats why i became ana at the first place!! i found freelee i have looked at her videos back to back, studying her for months as i look up about this vegan thing. Until i decided to maybe try it out. The first day i ate a banana for breakfast 3 apples for lunch and a little bit of rice and veggies for dinner! I felt great but I didn't know where to head! i did that for a week (secretly). The next week i have actually embraced eating food for the first time and stepped out of the box of mentality that used to have. I jumped on the judgmental numbering machine (scale) just 5 times a week! the third week i told my parents, as they shout across my face, watering it with their spit, and repeating THIS. " LOOK RO IM SICK OF YOU AND YOUR RELATIONSHIP WITH FOOD, I CANT STAND YOU ANYMORE, JUST STOP OVERTHINKING IT, MAYBE YOU HAVE MEANT TO BE FAT, THATS JUST WHO YOUR ARE SO STOP IT AND EAT!!!"
FOOD!
This was the topic that has been in my head for days as I ate nothing but fruits (not a lot tho). I felt plain. I went to a counsellor and told her all about this but i guess its all up to me. CALORIES< FOOD<PARENTS<THOUGHTS<FRIENDS<FAMILY<ANA<HOLIDAY<EXCERCISE
i was terrified, all that was left for me to do was my paint my sadness away and most importantly WRITE. my dad travels a lot so i had to experience bullying and other annoying stuff in the past so un intentionally i could screen this out loud "IM SUCH A F'n FATTY, I HATE MYSELF AND YOU SHOULD DO TOO". I was trapped in lockers and cut and hurt and teased! All because I had to be the "new kid" EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
STARVE STARVE STARVE was these thoughts that i had. It was the only thing that i was good at and i thought it was a way out of everything, plus it made my parents and family happy. THEY LIKE SKINNY, don't care what the fuck is inside you(health wise). BUT NO, there was a bigger enemy to starvation, BINGING, i hated it OH GOSH it was like "CHOKE ME ALREADY". I didn't give up on myself NOT YET. A new neighbour came along and she is beautifully ANA! GREAT thats all i wanted, ALL ATTENION WENT TO HER AND I WAS FORGOTTEN. I WANTED TO HELP HER. I have been there i had to be sent to a hospital once for that!! but i couldn't help her because i have an issue myself. Half way through school and summer is kinda on the road, NO i said to myself I HAVE TO DO SOMETHING ABOUT THIS! FREELEE HELP HELP HELP! step by step, with writing being my back i have reached to where i am! yes I'm a chubby girl, kinda? I LOVE MYSELF I HAVENT STEPPED ON THAT SHITTY BLOCK OF NUMBER SCALING FOR NEARLY 2 MONTHS! my parents, family, and ppl around me HATE fat ppl! my mom just literally 5 mins ago told me this " OH DONT WORRY RO, U SEE THESE OLD SHIRTS I USED TO WEAR, THEY MIGHT BE YOURS ONE DAY!"....
she called my brother fat the other day, but to be honest she is the one telling him "drink up your milk" and "wanna eat ice-cream?" SHE MAKES ME SICK, ALWAYS ON HER YO-YO thing and teasing us children?? it wouldn't be a surprise for her to gain the 10 kg she has lost in the past week ! I chose to go vegan because i want to live my life i don't want to keep counting calories and stepping on the thing i just want to live life for the best of it. I gave away all my money as a fresh start of hope and peace. I helped my neighbour to get on the right path, and inspired some friends on my lifestyle.
And here i am struggling everyday, but embracing the pain and squeezing it tight and placing it in a bag leading to no where! NO WHERE! this was the longest thing i have ever wrote here and i bet you haven't even read this part but if you did boa bee ha ha lo lo pa pa dshhls just incase haha :D smile and stay strong! there is hope everywhere, YOU just need to find it. Put the negative comments a side, swipe them off of your window!
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This mat sound harsh, but I feel you really need to change your focus. Life is not all about food and weight. Look at all of the energy you are putting into this. Put your energy and focus onto helping others and being kind. Go volunteer somewhere. I know you are young but opportunities abound. It can be a formal thing or just go sit with elderly folks at the retirement home or pet cats at the shelter.
Learn a new skill. You don't need money or "professional classes" to learn something new. You obviously have the internet so you have access to loads of free information. Learn to knit and make blankets for those less fortunate or an animal shelter. The opportunitites are limitless.
If you spent half as much energy on these things as you do thinking about weight and food you could really positively impact the lives of others.
This isn't meant to be harsh :) just something to think on. You have gifts to share with others.
YES your absolutely right but i guess i forgot to add in the benefits i got from this lifestyle. I SMILE AGAIN, as i give money away to charity every month. I do coach a small age group of swimmers. I started doing yoga, as i place myself in my own world between the hands of mother nature! hhaha my life is GREAT now truly AMAZING!
I'm going to tell you that you are going exactly the same thing I am going throw! My mother doesn't like "fat" people either and she's always on a marry go round. But heres the thing that I would like you to keep in mind. When she's putting on the weight and putting her health on the line and the happiness of others. You will be the one that she will be seeking advice if not she will admire you and fell sorry for what she did.
People tend to be mean and change once you get the result they so desired. But understand a lot of people don't know how to be healthy and slim at the same time. And maybe understand that your mother is just trying to protect you. Because I know that my mother doesn't like fat people because she once was one and is one again because she is scared for my health since there are a lot of thing that are against this life style.
Stay strong because it is worth it, since I havent seen long terme vegan unhealthy especially on this family hod of vegans of raw till 4 or raw vegan etc...
Stay strong Ro - sometimes our families can be our greatest challenge. You've got friends here <3