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As I write this, my hands are shaking; for the first time since February, I drank a few sips of coffee. As a stimulant caffeine is ravishing my brain in a way that is not natural, as all drugs do. I have put it aside, as I now have the mental fortitude to get back on track.

But why did I need this coffee?

I did not have one of my large, fruit smoothies in the morning. I would wake up refreshed and clear-headed -- no anxiety and trembling hands. This downward spiral of not consuming the healthiest, most natural foods keeps me going through the day. RT4 kept me fit and happy. However, things changed when I was admitted to the hospital. The vegan food was processed and greasy. The only fruit I was able to get were two bananas and an apple (and also an orange if I was lucky), a smoothie my mom would bring me during visiting hours, or a vegan salad made by my best friend. The cafeteria vegetables were swimming in oil, but it was my only option other than fruit. The food hurt my digestive system so badly that I had to be given a laxative, as I hadn't been able to go to the bathroom for days

Of course, this made me feel sluggish and unhappy; the exact opposite of what the hospital was trying to do. I have gained weight and have since reverted back to my eating disorder, as my brain has now re-wired itself to be afraid of food rather than eat happily and exercise. I will try to get back onto RT4 next week when I go grocery shopping.

Here are the myths of people quitting that I will debunk due to first-hand experience.

1. These people are actually vegan. Nope!  If you quit RT4 as an experiment, then "crave" animal products so desperately, you weren't doing it correctly, weren't eating, and wanted the clicks. I was forced in a room for 5+ hours where I was not allowed to do anything. I was given a meal of chicken with rice and beans. I was starving and ate all of it, crying because I knew what the poor animal had to go through just to be in some styrofoam box. I think about it almost every day. 

2. RT4 makes you fat. No, it doesn't. Period. You wake up lean and just like everybody else, your stomach expands throughout the day as more food is consumed; however, because of fruit's fiber and water, it is expelled quickly. I gained weight when I ate differently, which is now why I am trying to recover from anorexia. The irony is that I am now the same weight I was before, only this time I am starving myself rather than eating whenever I feel like it.

3. People feel like they are finally getting enough food. No. You were not eating enough.

4. Their bodies feel so healthier when they go off RT4. They do not feel incredible; they are constipated, get acne, and are tired. 

5. RT4 is expensive. Yes, it can be, but only if you don't know how to shop. I go to two grocery stores and use coupons. Shop smart.

I lost weight on RTW. I was inspired to exercise; I ran three miles three times a week on RT4. I was thin and energetic on RT4. I felt strong on RT4, I ate so much fruit on RTW. I was happy with myself on RT4.

Now, I am wasting away, too tired to get out of my bed because I have no nutrients in my body. As I write this, my vision is blurry. Food is the enemy. 

I will re-read what inspired me. I will start over. I will be happy again.