Hey guys,
Recently came to the raw till 4 lifestyle and I'm loving it! I transitioned quickly to a vegan diet and found that raw till 4 made most sense to me! However not to my parents, how do I maturely discuss with them that this is the best lifestyle for me without them thinking this is me further restricting myself?
I've talked to my mum with how I'm no longer restricting like I used to on things like iifym and how I'm eating more and she seems to understand that, but my dad is far more against veganism than anything.
Anyone have any tips?
Also, how to do Raw Till 4 in Winter?
Thanks!
Replies
Do RT12
Do Starch solution if you have to.
Keep it low fat high carb and you are fine.
At the end of the day you control what goes in your body not them.
Move out when you can.
First step for mature discussion, is to make sure everyone has an open mind (that everyone is mature). It is not possible to discuss maturely or at all with closed minds, as they are not capable of learning anything new or change their opinions. Your dad definitely seems to have a closed mind.
Ask 'what actionable and reasonable things would it take for you to accept and embrace my diet as a healthy diet?' to your parents. And make sure they answer seriously. Let them really realize what they need to accept your diet as healthy for you.
If they say 'nothing', then you should back away from discussing your diet with them completely. If they answer you with something reasonable and realistic, something that can be done and isn't too hard, then you might be inspired to help them gain that. Maybe they need to see your blood tests a few times over a period. That's cool. Then also ask them to do blood tests with you, because you are deeply worried about their diet. Because their blood tests will be worse than yours, and yours will be improving, haha. That will shut them up :) (PS. make sure you get your greens in the period you are taking blood tests)
If they are close-minded to you, you really ought to expect of them to open their mind to the possibility of your diet being good, before you even answer anything they say related to your diet. And you should say so to them too. This is a healthy boundary, so that you don't deplete your own energy and make holes in your integrity, and so that you can actually receive respect from them, and so that they get the choice of opening their minds.
They should ask you questions about your diet out of innocent curiosity, if you are to answer honestly. Because only such questions are honest questions.
Also ask them 'hypothetically, if my diet even is healthier than yours, what would you need in order to both realize and accept that potential fact, if it is a fact, IF it is true?'
This question also reveals what minds you are dealing with. If they can't answer you straight, they are closed minded.
Then, when they are actually willing to consider your diet with an open mind, it will be much easier for you to discuss. Then all you have to do is share the knowledge you have found, show them what you have read. And that is all you ever should be required. I mean, you don't owe them anything. They can do their own research.
But, you might find out that if your requirement for talking about your diet is that they have to have an open mind and actually entertain the possibility that it is healthy, and even healthier than theirs, during the discussion, they might not want to hear about your diet even.
Because a closed mind is closed for a reason. Fear. And when you 'discuss' with closed minds or consider what they say, you are really allowing them to project their own fear and pain onto you and use you as a punching bag. Even subtly. Closed minds manipulate by default. They are trying to drag you down. Closed minds have an agenda, and that is to invalidate what ever they don't know or understand.
Do not try to convince others, don't seek approval. But give what you have when they come to you with open hands. And let them think for themselves. While you do your thing regardless, shamelessly :)
Rt4 during winter. Similar to what you do during summer? We have a year 'round supply of fruit and veggies in our grocery stores.
I am so glad you liked that!
Yes, that sounds like a wonderful plan. Just know that to open someones mind, is a completely different ball game than to inform people of facts and make them understand, or to teach. That is not how to open peoples mind.
The way to open his/others mind is an emotional thing, an experiential thing. A completely non-logical, non-intellectual thing. Examples of what opens peoples minds are:
- Showing/leading by example - when they see with their own eyes that what you believe and say is true, when they can see physical evidence, that opens their mind. But this can take a long time. But here, talk is cheap/useless. Physical evidence and proof is king.
- Empathy. Check out Nonviolent communication for deeper understanding of this. But to explain it fast; when your dad expresses negative attitudes about your diet, you don't try to discuss with him, you don't say no to him, you don't talk against him at all. You completely accept what he say, and respond with something that gives him space to express even more of where that negativity came from. Just let him say everything that he wants to say, even the things he don't usually feel safe to say. If he say 'veganism is horrible', then you say something like 'ah, you said veganism is horrible, please, tell me more about what you mean, I would like to hear, I understand that this is important to you, please explain further'. And you can go on with putting words on his fears, in a supportive and understanding and curious way. Say the things he usually say, in a way that invites him to say more of it. Like 'often you say that veganism will create deficiencies. please tell me more about that.'. Empathy is all about being an active listener. You can humbly guess at what they feel and think, and you will use THEIR language to guess to them. 'Do you think that my diet is dangerous?' you might guess, and he will say 'hell yes, you shouldn't do that at all'. If you get that response, you are on the right track. Now you have to just keep at it. So you might reply 'I understand, are you afraid of what might happen if I continue on this diet?'. And he says 'darling, yes, I feel a knot in my stomach, I am worried'. And you just continue with talking WITH him, until he have nothing more to say.
Both of these ways of opening others minds, are heavy stuff. The empathy thing, requires you to set yourself and your mind and your ideas completely aside, until they have nothing more to say. When they are done, when they have expressed all they carried inside, and you showed an interest and willingness to understand, you showed that you truly cared about their experience (even though it is filled with fear and lack of understanding etc, which doesn't matter when giving empathy), when you truly GET what they feel and think, when there is this softness in both of your hearts after the empathic bonding, then you can share your opinion. Empathy is like talking to a child that is hurt, and just giving understanding all the way for everything, even though what they say is completely irrational in your mind. Doesn't matter.
Empathy is something precious and valuable, it is not something I myself give a lot to others close to me. Because it requires so much of me emotionally, it requires me to be vulnerable and not proud, and not right (or wrong). It is easier with strangers. So I respect you if you don't go for the empathy/active listening. It requires you to be much more mature than your own father. And that can feel quite strange. To be the 'parent'.
But to show by example, that one you can do more easily. It just takes time.
Hey, Allie;
It's great to hear that you've come to the vegan life-style!
Considering the amount of misinformation regarding dietary health, it's completely understandable for family-members to be apprehensive about it. I would recommend asking them to watch Forks Over Knives with you, and to mention that a whole-foods, vegan diet is endorsed by many high-profile medical doctors and nutritionists. You could cite Neal Barnard, Michael Greger, Dean Ornish, Colin T Campbell and John McDougall (to name a few).
Depending on your region, you can usually get discounted bulk fruit and veg from markets or wholesalers, which will save you a little money. If your parents are still covering your food-costs, bulk-buying bananas and freezing them is a great way to keep a fruit-staple. I buy bananas from a local wholesaler in South-East Queensland, and I get 13kg for about $10. That lasts me a week, at least.